


Hogwarts Needs No Pants

by marginalia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, men without pants why god why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-14
Updated: 2003-11-14
Packaged: 2018-10-07 22:18:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10370931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginalia/pseuds/marginalia
Summary: Forthe men-without-pants-why-god-why challenge. Crack!fic, obviously.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For [the men-without-pants-why-god-why challenge](http://www.livejournal.com/users/minervacat/307904.html). Crack!fic, obviously.

Neville reached for a towel at the foot of the bed and cleaned them both off, then curled up, head on Harry's torso. He watched and listened as Harry came back to himself, then reached up and started drawing lazy circles on Harry's chest. "Tell me a story," Harry said.

Neville laughed. "You're rather demanding. I thought I'd done quite enough already, thank you."

"Oh, you have. It's true. But I'm selfish, you see, and I want to hear your stories."

A light flush spread across Neville's cheeks. "They're. I mean. I'm not that interesting."

"None of that," Harry said firmly. "No one is allowed to talk about my boyfriend like that."

Neville smiled to himself. "Well. All right then. Where should I start? Once upon a time I was passed over by the Dark Lord in favor of an annoying git with poor eyesight? Or should I move directly into our glorious school days, where my success in Herbology made me only slightly more valuable than the plants I was studying?"

Harry slapped him lightly on the arm. "I told you. Stop that." He leered down at Neville. "Tell me a dirty story."

"A dirty story?"

"Yes. You must have some. You can't have learned to do that" - he waved broadly - "without some interesting stories along the way."

"Er, I don't know," Neville demurred.

"Oh, you must. Something. Anything." Harry got a wicked glint in his eye. "Your first time."

Neville blushed violently. "Oh, you don't want to hear about that."

Harry sat up quickly, bumping Neville's head off his torso. "Yes. As a matter of fact, I think that's exactly what I want to hear. First time. Let's say, first . . oral encounter."

"Hrm," Neville edged to the end of the bed, resting his back against the footboard. "This is against my better judgment. But you asked for it. So. That first. Was. Malfoy."

Harry's jaw dropped. "Malfoy?"

"I know," Neville sighed. "But you must admit the boy was pretty, if a bit thick." Harry nodded, chuckling.

"All right. Malfoy. I'll process that. Keep going."

"Well, we had fought, or tried, over something he had said, and he told me to me to meet him in the Astronomy Tower one night or." Neville paused, "I can't even remember what the threat was. I was afraid, anyway. I was afraid of so much then, so much that was bigger than Malfoy." He shrugged. "But anyway. I went. And he said no wands, probably because he knew I could hex him, thanks to you. We fought with feet and fists and teeth. I split his lower lip and then. He went still. And kissed me. And I tasted blood."

"You kissed him back! You kissed Malfoy!"

"You asked for it," Neville reminded him.

"So I did. Continue," Harry said, with a regal wave.

"Of course, your highness. From there it went very fast. Robes and everything were off so fast and we were touching each other and it was cold. And suddenly he was -there-. And his mouth! And. Well. It was my first time. So anyway. I. You know. Quickly. And then I thought I should return the favor. So I moved to. But it was like he finally realized who I was. He threw on his robe, grabbed his pants, and as he fled from the Astronomy Tower for the Slytherin dungeons I heard him screaming, 'Why, why, why, why, why? WHY, GOD, WHY?'"

Harry laughed, but slowly he developed an odd, distant look.

"What is it? You told me to tell you." Neville's voice softened. "It was a long time ago."

"Oh, I know," Harry said slowly. "It just doesn't seem fair that Malfoy." He paused, crawling down the bed towards Neville. "It's not fair that he got to hear those sounds first." Harry reached Neville and kissed him fiercely. Neville whimpered ever so softly and Harry smiled. "Yeah, sounds like that."

Neville shrugged, pushed Harry back on the mattress, and hovered above him for a moment. "Sure," he said, "But you're the one who hears them now."

And Harry had to admit that it was a fair deal indeed.


End file.
